The only television show in America not to feature Mario Vazquez this week is "American Idol," which might be ironic if that word hadn't lost all meaning years ago. As it is, it's nice to turn to "Idol" as a Quitter-Free Zone.

Host Ryan Seacrest begins Wednesday's (March 16) show by announcing that 30 million people voted last night, allegedly the most for any non-finale episode. Then he makes some joke about how everybody has been asking him why... the judges were so negative on Tuesday. I can answer that one: Because nearly everybody chose stupid songs, sang them badly and got scared on the big "Idol" stage. That was easy. In case you forgot just how bad some of the contestants were last night, Ryan leads us through a lengthy recap of the mess that was.

Now it's the moment that nobody's been waiting for -- the season's first poorly staged, hilariously arranged group sing. As bad as they all were individually last night, they're even worse as a group tonight. "Divided we fall, united we really fall" is the lesson to be learned from their rendition of "When You Tell Me That You Love Me." Each performer does a single line out of tune and then they join together to sing the chorus as one gigantic suppurating sore, oozing tonal dissonance like pus. If that sounds gross, it's nothing compared to the pain of having to hear it. Among the soloists, Lindsey Cardinale is the worst melodic violator, but Mikalah Gordon, Scott Savol and Anthony Fedorov could also be jailed for crimes against music. Even Nadia Turner, Anwar Robinson and Bo Bice -- my holy "Idol" trinity at this point -- manage to sound unprepared and jarring. I hope that the Parents Television Council files some complaints with the FCC for this one. Won't somebody please think of the children?

Ryan cuts to the chase by pulling the night's three lowest votegetters. Constantine Maroulis has grimaced and sweated his way to another week. Nadia is just too darned good to be in any danger yet. Anthony has fooled millions of Clay Aiken fans into endorsing his generic brand of blandness, giving viewers the chance to be fixated by his tracheotomy scar for another week. Lindsey is one of the three worst singers left, so she's fittingly in the Bottom Three. Bo has rocked his way to another week of prowling the stage. Carrie asked viewers "When Will I Be Loved?" on Tuesday and her fans seem to have answered "Right now." I'd say that Scott will live to see another week, but the Round Mound of Sound isn't likely to open his eyes to enjoy it. Some people like Mikalah (looking positively fresh-faced tonight), but apparently even more people run screaming when she shows up, as she's in the Bottom Three. Anwar wasn't at his best last night, but the viewers forgave him and he's OK.

Jessica Sierra started Tuesday's show with a forgettable performance. Nikko Smith returned to the competition without his "A" game. Vonzell missed a few notes, but hit a lot more. Who is in the Bottom Three? Well, apparently viewers forgot to remember Jessica. She's endangered.

Almost as anticipated as the first off-key group sing is the first Ford commercial to feature the "Idol" wannabes pretending to be actors. As the half-dozen viewers of The WB's "The Starlet" learned this week, doing commercials is a lot harder than it looks. Well, given how difficult it appears to have been for Constantine and Anthony and Scott to groove convincingly to "It's So Easy" at what looks to be the lamest club in Los Angeles, that commercial shoot must have been somewhere prominent in Dante's circles of Hell.

Judge Simon Cowell looks at the Bottom Three and announces that America is listening to him.

Jessica is the first of the Bottom Three sent back to safety. Expect her to raise the raunch quotient next week to recapture our attention.

Ryan tells Mikalah that he has bad news... he has to let FOX milk some more expensive advertising time. She has a conniption fit and mock-strangles Ryan with genuine enthusiasm.

As predicted in this space last night, Lindsey is the first person voted out of the Final 12. A broken clock is right twice-a-day and even a crackpot recapper gets it correct occasionally, particularly on the no-brainers.

Like the "People Who Croaked This Year" Oscar montage, we're treated to a nostalgic trip through the Pride of Ponchatoula's "Idol" journey. Fighting through tears, Lindsey makes a brutal final performance, sortta singing and graciously shaking hands with each of the judges.